"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
