She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
