I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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