we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize