FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
