I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
it's like iHOP with fire
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
