at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
