I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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