i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
