It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
