Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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