What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
