i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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