apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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