I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
