as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
