I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
