I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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