I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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