I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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