A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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