Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
