I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
