how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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