Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
