Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
