the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
