if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize