It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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