Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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