he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize