How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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