i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
