The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
50% drunk capacity currently
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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