Can i not drive my cunt home
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
