i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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