OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
