Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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