her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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