last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
