I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
