Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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