dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
