Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
