the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize