I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
