I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
