Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize