He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
