There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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