rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize