I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Drunk is not a location!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
