She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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