You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
