You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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