That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Come share oat with me in your robe
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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