I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
