We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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