Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
