just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize